Personality Profiles - obscured to protect the guilty.
(They know who they are)
Regulars
Mr Z
Works for (CENSORED). Opening Batsman. Was full-time captain of the club in the early years until replaced by Mr X in a bloodless coup - this arrangement was subsequently improved to the current rotating captaincy system whereby all members have an opportunity to lead us into disaster.
Widely regarded as "Normal" by the many of the team. Has actually made a century, took 6 for 7 against "the Indians" on a broken up Astroturf wicket in Dogshit Park (Wandsworth). Sometimes keeps wicket. Surprisingly regular player given wife and 2.2 kids. In early life he liked (CENSORED) and (CENSORED), but only discovered (CENSORED) later on, when he a relationship with a strange and disreputable (CENSORED) girl.
Mr Y
Son of a well known (CENSORED) painter, turned his back on the art world and became a motor mechanic. Once a fine Cricketer, he is now in the middle of a run poor form, he has not scored more than 2 for months. The refrain "There’s only one Mr Y" is still occasionally chanted from the sidelines when a rare four is hit. Although he’s a confirmed bachelor, he currently has a keen girlfriend whom he is having trouble keeping away from a disillusioning match and may end up marrying just to keep her quiet. Takes plenty of holidays. Has cats, dogs and androgynous brother.
Mr X
Mr X is a Yorkshireman. Miserable as only a Yorkshireman can be. Job: (CENSORED) ((CENSORED) to you and me). Runs a loss-making spread-betting book primarily designed to insult other members of the team. Hates hot weather, so moved to Australia for a year, where he reputedly wore several sweaters even in 100 degree heat - was outclassed by the cricketers there so returned to our fold. The only member of the team who can bowl to a field - this strategy would be successful if the any of team could catch, stop or chase a ball. One of the more deranged members of the team, no longer drinks, and "doesn’t like pub culture", perhaps there is more gay about him than his haircut - he’s been unable to get a steady girlfriend, and claims to prefer cricket to women. Has a list ranking whole of team in order of Madness. Note that his rankings are not always the same as this synopsis. Apparently shows less dislike of pub culture when in the company of other red-headed men.
Mr W
Younger brother of Mr Z. As a failed classical musician , he now keeps the books in a music shop. He also keeps the statistics. Widely regarded as utterly mad by many of the team, he has been the source of many an on-pitch incident; he used to be unable to keep his mouth shut whenever anybody made a mistake. Unfortunately, mistakes happen often in the BOCC, and nobody was going to take any shit from the ex-captain’s upstart younger brother. Now we have aged a bit, he seems almost as old as the rest of us, and since his cricket has improved through dedicated (obsessive ?) practice, his demeanour on the pitch has improved, and he is now more or less acceptable. There is always some suspicion that his figures are massaged in some way, although nobody can work out how. Managed to manipulate the team into making him Club (CENSORED) at the last two AGM’s He’ll probably continue in this role since nobody else is that sad (actually most of us are). Will he ever get a girlfriend ?
Mr V
A retired (CENSORED), and once a quite good cricketer. Now old age and temperament have got the better of him. Famous for retirement speeches at the end of every innings and for petulant fits when given out LBW (with his back leg firmly planted in front of the stumps). Once famously caught his finger in a deck chair when throwing it around after such an incident. A nervous character - he chats to the nearest fielder or umpire ignoring the ball as it flies past him. He can always be relied upon to have a pack of fags in his pocket on the field (one can always scrounge one off him at "drinks"). Given to handing out dubious LBW decisions himself. Married with several children, some of whom are quite sporty. Sometimes brings young male friends of his daughters to matches, presumably to impress. This usually results in a first ball duck for him, and embarrassment for the unfortunate youth.
Mr U
The Goalkeeping (CENSORED). Usually keeps wicket where he behaves like a goalkeeper, diving headlong after the ball, I have never seen him stump anybody. Batsman don’t come any less elegant than him, he occasionally bludgeons 30 runs or so at no 11. Little is known about his private life, in fact he may not have one.
Mr T
(CENSORED), works for (CENSORED). Elected as (CENSORED) during unsuccessful power play by Mr W (when the incumbent went to get a pint during lull at the AGM). Man of the Tour two years running: the first time for not being there, and the second time because of the year before. Once went 11 months without scoring. Mr W had to invent special category in statistics after he batted for two hours for 1 run on first ever tour to gain a very dishonourable draw. Averagely Mad.
Mr S
Promise unfulfilled - this is the blacksmith of the team, or was once. Nowadays after perhaps a single ‘defensive’ prod, he will swing the bat at every ball, if he connects it goes for 6 - he can still remember better days when he made 50 off 24 balls a few times a season. Sadly he’s lost it, and hasn’t made 10 runs in the last 2 years. In real life he’s a (CENSORED) layabout who avoids work at all costs. Married, his wife makes the teas (for cash). One of his sons was an occasional player until he grew up. One of the nicest people you could meet. Was club (CENSORED) until he went out for a pint during AGM.
Mr R
One of Mr W’s classical musician friends, this time a successful one - bowls very well. Reputation as the worst batsman in the side is partially deserved, and he’s probably the most normal member of the team. Aged under 30, he is our youth policy.
Mr Q
A man obsessed with his own performance when on the pitch. A fast bowler who on his day can scare openers into submission. On a bad day even a fine leg can’t stop his wild leg side missiles going for tens of byes. Also known as "Thor" he runs in snorting before loosing a fast and wide thunderbolt. He ranks high in Mr X’s madness league, and has a strange, almost childlike, sense of humour. In his other life he is a Conductor, of musicians not buses - his introduction to the team was due to hero-worship from Mr W. Now an established member of the crew of misfits - he can also bat a bit unlike most if us.
Mr P
One of the oldest established members of the team, he used to mow the pitch himself. (Before it became an established ground, and the council started charging for it). One of the few naturally talented players in the side, he runs in to bowl laughing, and warning the batsmen when he’s going to give the ball an extra tweak - they don’t believe him of course and they get out. Best figures are an unbelievable 8 for 8 against a team who outclassed us in every department. He is notoriously thrifty, this is usually put down to his undemanding lifestyle (for example: he always drinks halves). Works as a painter and decorator, and won’t work outside a 5 mile radius of his home except for an occasional jaunt to patch up a tumbledown chateau in France. Has a life outside of Cricket - he occasionally is seen with women, and sometimes misses a match to go to the (CENSORED) Club where he and his friends discuss the old (CENSORED) they have semi-legally dug up from the latest nearby semi-archaeological site. No more than averagely mad.
Mr O
You could write a book about Mr O. His keenness know no bounds, and he’s probably one of the reasons the club exists at all. When batting, he always has a runner, and can block for a bit before getting out spooning the ball up to a close fielder. He is used along with Mr V as a Joke Bowler - the kind who can break a partnership by introducing an element of Carnival into the proceedings. Given to loud and wild exaggerations and know-all pontification based on information gleaned from Ceefax. He is the (CENSORED) Secretary and receives enormous a huge amount of flack for talking us up against strong sides who then field their best players in the expectation of a tight game. Used to be the Treasurer until voted out of office - the following year we had an unexpected and unprecedented (CENSORED) profit despite there being no change in income or outgoings. Medium Madness rating. Also known as Spice Bore.
Mr N
Mr N is amusing - perhaps too amusing. He was described by an ex-girlfriend as being terribly camp. Perhaps we should expect this from a man who runs an (CENSORED). Fails with both bat and ball more often than not. Claims to have a floating kneecap which makes a useful excuse when fielding. Usually describes things he dislikes as "Simply Dreadful". Finds Mr O. a source of endless fun; wittily imagined what might happen if we were to try and make a Gentleman out of Mr O. (and the probable £1,000,000 expenditure required). Madness Rating Medium.
Mr M
Abstract painter and once-upon-a-time was a medium pace bowler. Actually likes hard physical work, although he can no longer do any as he is usually drunk and or stoned. Recently grew a beard which gave him the appearance of a rough-sleeping tramp - this was accentuated by his drinking two litre bottles of cider at breakfast - followed by angry scenes when denied a bowl due to drunkenness. Favourite phrase: "I’ll tell you this" delivered in an Irish accent. Actual antecedents: Yorkshire. Madness rating: Extreme. Hates: Mr W
Mr L
Another classical musician. Left of Green Politics. Looks the most stylish of all of us when at the crease, especially when playing and missing. Believes himself (wrongly) to be more intelligent than any of us (interestingly fascististic opinion) . Yet another of Mr W’s imports. Plays less regularly of late (once a year), and probably puts this down to having a life. Madness rating: High
Mr K
Another player regarded as normal by the rest of us, although he may be secretly quite mad as he’s happily married to a West-Indian nurse at least twice his height and weight. Works as a (CENSORED). Opens the batting, makes 20 in two hours and bowls once a year.
UPDATE: His wife is West-Indian, but is a (CENSORED), not a nurse, and is not as huge as previously imagined. He is a (CENSORED), and not a (CENSORED). A dark horse.
New Players
Mr J
Seems like a nice bloke. The first time I saw him, he was hanging around the pitch while we "practised". Bats a Bit. Suspicious of him because Mr W wanted to extend club membership to him. Surprisingly normal - he probably won’t last. Not very mad. UPDATE: Usually more stoned than sane.
Mr I
Mr Ws flatmate. Pretends to be a Motorcycle Courier. Also joined at Mr W’s insistence after hanging around the pitch a bit watching us. Managed to score one run before the month of July during his first season, thus depriving Mr O of a few pounds in a typically foolish and loudmouthed bet with Mr X, (he can’t be all bad). Only Mad because he lives in a flat with Mr W.
Irregulars
Mr H
Friend and co-worker of Mr P’s when not laying about on the South Coast. Doesn’t really bat or bowl. Nice bloke, half mad, not always stoned.
Mr G
Genuine Motor Cycle Courier, Old (CENSORED), Brother in-common-law of Mr T’s. Has played only a few times and has probably quit altogether after being head-butted in a fielding accident by Mr Q. who ran headlong in to him after running 20 yards to catch a ball for which Mr G. had already called - Mr Q. was knocked unconscious and hospitalised as a result of this incident. Fairly Mad to still be a courier at over 40.
Mr F
Another slightly camp fellow with a straight bat. Only occasionally finds time for beer swilling louts such as the BOCC. One theory is he does it just for misplaced street credibility. Reputed to have been big on the Oxford University (CENSORED) scene in the early 70’s, and claims to have had (CENSORED) Gallery in fashionable (CENSORED) Street. Very mad. Enjoys Hallucinating. Married.
Some Ex Players
Mr E
Early club member who left after shenanigans at the AGM - did not like new rules regarding selection process (which meant he couldn’t just turn up and play whenever he liked) and resigned as (CENSORED). Works for (CENSORED) , but not (CENSORED) . Likes potatoes. (CENSORED) and therefore Mad
Mr D
Quit because he thought we were all so boring (and not because his girlfriend J***** told him to). Used to compete to be the Worlds most useless man, but failed. Reasonably Mad.
Mr C
Short individual who left after a few games to set up his own Cricket Team so he could get be captain all of the time. We played them and lost, they all seem to think he’s a (CENSORED) too. Mad, Bitter, Short and Twisted.
Mr B
Left in the middle of a game when denied a bowl - returned after claiming he’d gone to buy a record - was unable to understand the animosity shown by the rest of the team. Later wrote a book about (CENSORED) . UPDATE: has now written several (CENSORED) books - the record was by Heaven 17- the opposition was Clifton CC.
Mr A
Babbling Alcoholic - witty - a tragic loss. Uniquely Mad.
Mr #1
Fast Bowling Red Head. The kind of person who "accidentally " bowls as fast as he can directly at your head - then instead of saying "Sorry bat, I slipped", he just glares and mutters under his breath. Singularly Mad (and Unpleasant). Also has dreadful regional accent.
Mr #2
Looked like a child molester, and strangely had a job as a play leader (until he even more strangely lost it!). As mad as they come.